Advice for the aspiring fake rapper
Nowadays it’s so hard to get by, becoming a rapper seems the only option that we have to claw our way out of poverty, so what better way to do it than just imitating the swag of the professionals, you don’t have to copy everything they do just make sure you get the clothes, poses and the things they say down and we should be good to go, you don’t have to copy their work ethic though, nooo-fuck that!!, why would you? The whole point of becoming a rapper is so you don’t have to work, isn’t it??
In this feature I’ll be telling you the quickest and easiest way to achieving your dream so you can start “getting it in”. Ok so first step make sure you have absolutely no knowledge about the history of rap music, become unfamiliar with names like Sugar hill Gang, Kool G Rap, Wu Tang and Easy E, really the list goes on, forget it, actually a good tip is to act surprised when someone tells you that Ice Cube used to be a rapper, respond with “really that guy from Triple X”.
Now we are going to need a rap name, the more simple the better, try taking the first letter of your name e.g. Paul would be P and add a lil` at the start (lil` means little) so now Paul becomes Lil` P, for extra punch try adding your last name as well, so Paul Ness would now be Lil` P Ness. Next we need some clothes, some “Swag”, try going for something way out of your price range, also try to spend a lot of money on irrelevant things like socks and belts, never think for yourself though, just because you think it looks good doesn`t mean a thing, best thing to do is look at your screen and ask yourself “are they wearing this?”.
Congratulations you now have “Swag” now you need some poses, a couple of my favourite and ones I find to be used quite often are the legendary V sign held by your chest, this is to be used in every photo opportunity, and the Eagle Stance this involves spreading each arm gently and smoothly out like a bird, you can also play about with this pose, for example turn your head to the side or even try doing it with your back to the camera, oh I forgot this one’s good too you will need a friend though, first of all stand facing camera with your crew behind you, with your legs slightly bent forwards now move as if your tilting backwards almost falling backwards, now as you do this get a friend to pinch the top of your shoulder cloth and pull it up. You will also need to throw gang signs, this will let people know that you can make signals without noise and most importantly let people know that you live in an area. To make this type of gesture simply make your hands in to the shape of letters, main thing to remember about posing though is to have no knowledge or interest about the origins or meanings of the gestures you are using.
Now you have got your Swag straight, we need to think of some words you can use in your lyrics, I find the best way is to make a list of words you hear in your favourite songs, I’ll start you of ,on dis ting, swagger, luie, Armani, Lamborghini, four five, all day, right derr, got my money right, go hard, haters be hating, in the trap, Remy, Hennessey, shorty lookin real good and one of my favourites we do this, these are just some that I have copied but there are lots more to choose from.
Now all we have to do is put them in to a song but don’t get to worked up about this as it’s the least important bit, my advice is to go for basic rhyme structures and one syllable rhyming schemes for example “I like my hair, are you a bear?”, actually a more easier technique is to place the description and rhyming word after the sentence, this technique seems pretty popular at the moment and is used in lots of songs for example “I’m cool like running’s, bobsled, but I’m also a bit of a dick, nobhead.” See it’s easy, now go and make a million over night.
Next time inside industry tips for the advanced fake rapper.